Difficult but crucial conversations
Why is it important to have challenging conversations?
The best educational leaders do not shy away from holding difficult and crucial conversations.
Whether you are a Head of Department, a Coordinator, Deputy Principal or Head of School there will be multiple times when you are faced with having crucial conversations. These could be with:
- Parents around managing their expectations of their students academic performance
- Staff who have infringed the culture of the school - e.g. gossiped, crossing boundaries and rules - or about accusations that have been made about them from parents, students or other colleagues
- Staff performance conversations.
- Colleagues about safeguarding concerns.
This page will provide you with a framework for holding these crucial conversations.
Most people instinctively avoid conflict, but as Margaret Heffernan shows us, good disagreement is central to progress. She illustrates (sometimes counter intuitively) how the best partners aren't echo chambers -- and how great research teams, relationships and businesses allow people to deeply disagree.
“If we are leading for improvement, we are inevitably leading for change and can expect some degree of discomfort, disagreement or resistance along the way – whether on the level of the individual, or the organization… Open, authentic, truthful dialogue, in an atmosphere of trust and respect, is the key ingredient that makes meaningful change possible. While effective leadership draws on a wide range of capacities, it could be argued that this one is unique in its influence over whether or not we can effect deep and sustainable improvement and, as part of that process, build an organizational culture in which change and improvement are welcomed and embedded in daily practice. In the absence of courageous conversations, we may be able to put a veneer on the status quo, and effect change on the surface, but deep and lasting change will be virtually impossible.” (Engaging in courageous conversation, Ideas into action for school and system leaders, Ontario Leadership Strategy 2013-2014)
Engaging in courageous conversations is one of the five core leadership capacities in Ontario's leadership strategy. In THIS document the case is made for having courageous conversations and a framework is provided for having such conversations in order to bring about school improvement. It is a very useful thought piece as well as being a practical guide. Use this document as a thought piece with your leadership (senior and middle leadership) teams.
Most people do not find it comfortable to have difficult conversations but they are sometimes necessary. These difficult conversations could be about:
- saying 'No'
- handling conflict
- delivering bad news
- effecting change (and handling resistance to change)
Watch the following video by Steve Munby who was Director of the National College of Leadership in the UK. He sets the context for having difficult conversations.
In this video Steve Munby gives the following pieces of advice:
- Move towards the conflict: Conflict is information and, if handled well, it is an opportunity.
- You don't know anything - and even if you do pretend you don't.
- Keep quiet - don't panic in the few seconds people take to respond.
Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most is a book from the Harvard Negotiation Project. Click here to access an overview of the book. The authors have their own consultancy firm, Triad Consulting Group. On their website you can find some very helpful frameworks for planning difficult conversations.
I am grateful to Trixie Siemens, American International School of Guangzhou, for contributing this session which she runs middle managers to help them train on how to deal with difficult conversations. She explains:
“It was done at the request of this group to enable them to enter conversations they would normally shy away from because they felt it would lead to conflict. And they saw conflict leading to disharmony and discomfort. It was a good starting place. The session itself took about an hour. I have run this session at two schools now with faculty in middle manager roles, or those who aspire to do. The best part taken away was seeing how they reframed the difficult conversation - as an opportunity to bring clarity and focus on larger purpose. But the work was not done - many wanted to do follow ups individually to help practice or talk through their issue. (The theme that came up most often was - which battle to fight, which to let go).”
Situation | Behaviour | Impact Tool
The Situation – Behaviour – Impact Tool is designed to help you provide specific feedback. This tool was developed by the Center for Creative Leadership. SBI™ stands for:
- Situation: When you give feedback put it in context by describing the situation you have observed. This gives the other person a reference point.
- Behaviour: Describe the specific behaviours that you want to address. You should only refer to those behaviours you have observed. Try and use measurable information since this keeps it specific. Do not rely on hearsay.
- Impact: This is where you describe the impact of the behaviour on you and the team.
- Intent: Ask the person what they intended when they acted in the way they did. This allows them to enter into dialogue, and, if they wish, to talk about any problems they have and uncover any assumptions they may have.
Throughout this process make it clear that you wish to find positive solutions – this is not a blame game.
Ladder of Feedback
Harvard Project Zero use a Ladder of Feedback protocol to help have constructive conversations. Go to Feedback to access the protocol.
Active listening is an essential element of good communication. Active listening techniques are central to conflict resolution. They contain both verbal and non-verbal elements. Active Listening Techniques of Hostage & Crisis Negotiators is a good article setting out the various elements involved in active listening. It provides a useful framework for working with colleagues.
NEFI ART
Andy Buck suggests a NEFI ART structure:
- Name the issue
- Example: give a specific example
- Feelings: Describe how you feel about the situation
- Important: Explain why it matters so much
- Accept your role in the problem
- Resolve: Show you want to resolve the issue
- Them: Invite them to respond
In her book Radical Candour: How to get what you want by sayng what you mean (2019) Kim Scott stresses the importance of creating a culture of frequent open dialogues around feedback. It requires that you build strong relatinships with your team and show that you care. It requires a high level of relational trust.